ENHANCING THE QUALITY OF FAMILY LIFE

ENHANCING THE QUALITY OF FAMILY LIFE

A Psychological perspective in the light of Erickson and Gardener

Ranjith K. Alphonse M.Sc,M.A,STL,B.Ed

Licensed Counsellor Psychologist

Introduction 

QUALITY OF FAMILY LIFE

People in the yesteryears considered sex and marriage dirty and unholy. They always regarded celibacy as higher state of life. Holiness and sacredness are the private property of few religious. Pious families nurtured the hope and often prayed for their children become holy religious. However American Pop culture in 1960s- decade of promise and heartbreak, has brought a sea of change in its approach and attitude towards marital life. Culture of the time described married love as bringing together the human with the divine and as uniquely expressed and perfected by the exercise of the acts proper to marriage.

Family movements like Marriage Encounter, Family Movement have worked hard to safe guard the family. Papal documents have highlighted the importance of the family yet the challenges to keep the sanctity of the marriage and family is enormous in the digital world. This article enumerates the eight stages of life in the light of Erikson’s psycho-social stages and five dimensions of living in the light of Howard Gardner’s multiple intelligence theory. The nurturing should take place for each member in the family at each stage in an appropriate manner in order to enhance the quality of family life.

EIGHT STAGES:-

1.      EARLY YEARS (0-6 yrs): these are the crucial years in the development of a child. This is the period when the child is writing his or her script very much like a playwright outlines the course of a drama. Based on parental or other influences like verbal messages, subtle prohibitions, modelling of behaviours or labelling, name-calling and fairy tales, the child determines who he or she is and what he or she can or wants to do in life. Transactional analysis theory is extremely useful in understanding how one writes one’s script. In Erikson’s terms, during this period the child deals with important issues like, Basic Trust vs. Mistrust, Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt and Initiative vs. Guilt.

2.      PRE-PUBERTY YEARS (6-12 yrs): Around this time the child goes to school and consolidates his or her script. In school one finds oneself in an environment where there are other children with competing demands and expectations. There is also a set of teachers who are like parent figures for a big part of the child’s day. In an atmosphere like this, one refines one’s self concept and develops useful skills like mastering the three R’s.(reading writing and arithmetic) One discovers how one stands especially in relationship with others. One may ask oneself quite unconsciously, Am I OK? Are others OK with me and in themselves?. The school offers many opportunities for learning and development, often beyond what the average family can make available. Erikson describes this period as one of Industry vs. Inferiority.

3.      ADOLESCENT YEARS (12-18 yrs): There is a great turmoil taking place in the life of the teenager. From a child it is gradually being transformed into an adult. This time is characterised by dramatic personality developments. Physical, hormonal and emotional changes make a teenager unsure about who he/ she really is. In Erikson’s terms the adolescent is dealing with the issue of Identity vs. Role Confusion. There is a strong influence of peers at this stage. Teenagers may begin to experiment with tobacco, alcohol, drugs and sex. This period is sometimes a testing ground for how strongly they will stand up to their parents. A child who was once complaint may, to the parents’ dismay, suddenly start a question and rebel. And all this may be happening precisely when the parents themselves are going through their own mid-years crisis.

4.      UNIVERSITY / WORK YEARS (18-25 yrs): The young man / woman is by now already in college or beginning to work. One is faced with important choices as to the educational stream and career one wants to pursue. With severe competition for the relatively few seats available in educational institutions there is a lot of pressure. They sometimes feel obliged to graduate in a subject they are not really interested in. Work can later be boring unless one finds a job one is really passionate about. A call-centre job for instance may rake in a lot of money. But it may also bring with it a lavish style in a consumerist culture. In order to climb the ladder in one’s career one may be called upon to spend long hours at work. Little time is then left over for social activities, hobbies and leisure.

5.      YOUNG ADULT YEARS (25-40 yrs): This is the time when one has to seriously decide about getting married and starting a new home. Romance, courtship and marriage at some point lead to disillusionment in the relationship with one’s partner. Unmet expectations, inability to adjust to living closely with another, in-law problems and the like sometimes lead to crisis in marriage. The first five years of the marriage are said to be crucial for the relationship. How does one combine the multiple hours of work with the need to spend time deepening one’s relationship with the spouse? How does one focus primarily on spousal relationship while carrying out the demanding tasks of being a parent which involves children and other people? Erikson speaks here of Intimacy vs. Isolation as the key issue at this stage.

6.      MID-YEARS (40-60 yrs): During this period people realise they are at a turning point in their lives. They sense that they are getting over the hill with declining stamina, mental alertness and attractiveness. Their sexual relationship may suffer due to potency problems or the absorbing preoccupations of their work. Premonition of death becomes a greater reality in their lives as they begin to experience health problems like blood pressure, diabetes and stress-related illnesses. They now begin to reassess their lives, values, goals and choices. They may want to tone down their ambitions in the face of the limitations they experience. To their adolescent children, who have a mind of their own, they may seem old-fashioned and out of touch. They are challenged at this stage to be ready to pass on the baton to the next generation by effective training and mentoring of the ones who will step into their shoes at work and in other fields as well. They have to think and plan for their post-retirement years. Erikson sees this stage as one of Generativity vs. Stagnation.

7.      RETIREMENT YEARS (60-70 yrs): When people retire from their jobs, which had structured the major part of their lives, they are naturally at a loss. Since they are relatively fit they may do well to find some part-time work or a form of social involvement to structure their time. After retirement spouses are thrown back onto each other, they have an option to turn this stage into a new romance of a sort different from their first years of marriage. Unfortunately some find it hard to adjust to a life of inactivity where they have no escape from a conflictual relationship. They step on to each other’s toes and find their lives unbearable. Loneliness may set in as their children get married and move out of the house. The empty nest at this stage can be a tragedy or an opportunity to go beyond their families and contribute to society.

8.      SUNSET YEARS (70- ): Modern medicine and a deeper understanding of health-related issues have pushed the onset of old age much further. At this point in time older people sometimes feel neglected and unwanted. The focus of society on youth and their capacity to do and achieve things may lead to an erosion of old people’s self-esteem and confidence in their own abilities. They may have to contend with hardness of hearing and problems of vision like cataract. They could be dealing with serious health issues like diabetes, heart diseases, arthritis and paralysis. Some may experience the joy of being instead of only doing and may demonstrate great wisdom and insight into life. They may look back on their lives with a great sense of satisfaction and await death with a hope beyond the grave. Others on the contrary may be depressed at the mess they have made of their lives and their families. They may bemoan their fate, seeing that they may do not have a second chance to live life over again and they wait their death with anxiety and fear. Erikson describes this stage as one to Ego Integrity vs. Despair.

At each stage of the life of every member of the family a person has to deal with various dimensions of living. In the past intelligence tests were the only devise to measure the human ability but with the arrival of multiple intelligence theory by Howard Gardner the measuring of human ability become holistic. He proposed a spectrum of intelligences like logical-mathematical, linguistic, spatial, musical, bodily-kinaesthetic, intrapersonal and interpersonal intelligences. These are following five dimensions of living.

1.      PHYSICAL QUOTIENT (PQ): We need to care for the body in ways appropriate to our age. Some foods are known to be nourishing compared to other non-nutritious snacks like bhel-puri, potato wafers and other savouries that taste good but do not really sustain our bodies. Adequate intakes of water and fruit juices are considered healthier than colas and other aerated drinks. Regular exercises like walking, yoga and aerobics are a must to tone our bodies and keep us healthy. Our bodies can find, in addition, physical expression through dance, ballet, games, athletics or the martial arts. Proper rest and adequate sleep are vital so that our bodies can be refreshed and invigorated. Besides, in a fast moving world, it is necessary to learn the art of relaxation and stress management. And when our bodies weaken due to illness or old age we may do well to use holistic medicine instead of merely popping pills when we get ill. It is better, of course, not to get ill in the first place acting on the adage, prevention is better than cure.

2.      INTELLECTUAL QUOTIENT (IQ): If the mind is not exercised the person will deteriorate. This is particularly important for older people to be aware of. At all stages too we need to stimulate the mind by reading, discussion, study or some kind of continuing formal or non-formal education. School and university are meant to make people think in a systematic way and above all to think for themselves. A holistic approach to education now adopted by many new schools includes, besides the three R’s, an exposure to music, the arts, dance, drama and other forms of co-curricular activities. All these are meant to broaden the horizons of the mind and to sharpen it. Television and the internet have offered an opportunity to be well-informed about events and diverse cultures, thereby bringing people closer to each other. But when one uses modern media uncritically one becomes passive and the mind is dulled.

3.      EMOTIONAL QUOTIENT (EQ): Daniel Goleman puts forth a convincing idea that people with a high Emotional Quotient often tend to turn our more successful in later life than those with high IQ. He describes high EQ people as those with a greater competence in dealing with their emotions, and this can be characterised in five different ways;

                                i.            Self-Awareness: They are able to know what they feel at a particular moment and use their feelings as a guide in proper decision-making.

                              ii.            Self-regulation: They are able to handle their emotions well, without allowing them to interfere with the attainment of their goals. They can delay gratifications and manage emotional distress.

                            iii.            Motivation: They have the ability to guide their emotions towards their goals. They can take initiatives and persevere in spite of setbacks and frustration.

                            iv.            Empathy: They can sense and understand what others are feeling. This helps them to establish east rapport with a variety of people.

                              v.            Social Skills: They can handle emotions well in relationships. This helps them to interact smoothly with others, deal with conflicts, negotiate effectively and facilitate team work.

4.      RELATIONAL QUOTIENT (RQ): Although this is implied in the social skills mentioned above, the skill and the art of relating merits a separate category. People with good RQ are assertive in the best sense of the word. These are people who move from symbiosis and dependence to autonomy and interdependence. In marriage particularly, spouses need to learn to sustain each other in relationship, forgive and heal on another as well as support and promote growth in each other. Jack Dominian has stressed these three aspects in several of his books. C.S. Lewis has helped us to clarify the aspects of love in his description of Affection, Friendship, Eros and Agape. The sexual component of love cannot be forgotten. In marriage relationship particularly, one needs to differentiate between love and lust. Transactional Analysis theory offers us clarify on different kinds of interactions like complementary, crossed and ulterior (gamey) transactions. Relationships can be built up and cemented with good interpersonal skills like sharing, listening, empathising, appreciating and confronting. Problem-solving and negotiations too play an important part in developing good relationships through resolving conflicts.

5.      SPIRITUAL QUOTIENT (SQ): Spirituality may be described as the vision and way of life one has that give deepest meaning to one’s existence. Viktor Frankl, in Man’s Search for Meaning, (Logo therapy) finds meaning through what we create, experience, or through the manner in which we cope with suffering. A spiritual person may be described as one who lives a life of integrity based on values that emerge from a well-formed conscience. The person finds meaning in living a life of love for God and neighbour. One lives by the golden rule of loving others as one loves oneself. One goes beyond narcissism and finds great meaning and fulfilment in making one’s contribution to society. Spirituality is not to be identified with the profession of a particular institutional religion. Spirituality especially among Christians has made a great shift from being individualistic to being more communitarian and holistic.

Conclusion

Marriage is considered as a legally sanctioned union of one man and one woman. It plays a vital role in preserving the common good and promoting the welfare of children. Virtually every known human society, the institution of marriage provides order and meaning to adult sexual relationships and, more fundamentally, furnishes the ideal context for the bearing and rearing of the young. Marriage is an important source of social, human, spiritual, psychological and financial capital for children even in this digital age.

But in the last few decades, especially in the digital age, marriage and family have come under increasing pressure from the modern way of living. One of the most conspicuous and apparent facets of today’s world is that it has become more and more cadaverous and pallid. There is hatred and revenge fulness so much so in effect does not seem to live and let live but hideously and disgustingly weighs up the obliteration and extermination of the other. No qualm no distrust if we foster and hearten this mode of an attitude then swiftly we will surpass the threshold of a world where man will be indifferent and nonchalance about the other but will quickly embark on cannibalistic propensity. Hedonism, blame-game, gossip, extravagance, debauchery, abhorrence is rampant and unbridled in the secular family life. Love, friendship, understanding, cooperation, forgiveness, peace, empathy are but predominantly dazzling and alluring words which seem to subsist only in the lexicon. Thus man lives only to gratify his wants and wishes. This individualistic and idiosyncratic attitude will lead him to nowhere but towards catastrophe and cataclysm.

In this context, as people who concerned with building up marriage and family life we need to work beyond our capacity with the positive hope. We need to translate the goodness and the sanctity of marriage and family life into action for which we need to focus upon children, youth, adult and senior citizens so as to organise them into respective groups and bring awareness and action oriented programmes of optimistic nature with use of technology. Training and action can only bring concrete solution otherwise the sanctity of family life will remain as a utopian idea for the youngsters today. Therefore work for the enhancement of family life with the progressive hope and action.